a smear of ash, a pinch of salt, a stick of butter: worry with lemon-chive cream

"my life is a listening, his is a speaking. my salvation is to hear and respond." Thomas Merton

a saturday ago, i was early morning porch sitting in the sunny, chilly air, just waiting. or, i was trying to wait. instead, i was worrying. i worried about getting all of my to dos done. i worried about a friend who was hurting. i was anxious about the tires on my car. i felt guilty for something i'd said that week.
as i worried, my thoughts blocked out the beautiful morning, the peaceful quiet filled up with nervous energy, and every muscle in my body stood on edge. i wasn't waiting. i couldn't just be.
"there has to be something that can center me." i thought. "yoga, meditation, or something."
then i realized: prayer. i know the benefits of prayer, but in that moment i was completely convinced of its centering power.
when i pray, i'm noisy. i unload on God. i complain to Him. i ask for things. i tell him what i'm anxious about, what i wish would just go away, what i wish He would fix. i treat God like a buddy, like a favorite, time-tested, all-powerful buddy.
that kind of frank honesty with God is healthy, and i think, beneficial. but there is another side of prayer on the opposite end, and it's completely other. it's the quiet kind of prayer, the still, transcendent, even centering side that involves silence from us and maybe even Him. we have to submit ourselves to communication with Him, and sometimes that means shutting up so He can speak, so He can show us what should be on our minds. He might be vocal, but He might be still and quiet, too. just the exercise of listening, waiting and opening our minds to His direction is enough to transform our days.
usually when i cook, there's someone else in the kitchen--alan, or one of my roommates, or katie, or someone. but when i saw this recipe for simple broccoli soup with cream, with all of the chopping and zesting and shredding it requires, i knew it would be best if i made it on my own. in the kitchen there's one goal only: finish and prepare a dish. not prepare a dish and watch a show, or prepare a dish, answer an e-mail and read a book. just cook. it provides a lot of time to muse, then, and while i made this soup i mused on the idea of centering prayer. the conclusions i arrived at, you just read. the soup, i guess, you'll have to make yourself.

broccoli soup with lemon-chive cream (from orangette)
serves 4-6, with leftovers

For the soup:
1 Tbsp. unsalted butter
1 Tbsp. olive oil
2 medium leeks, white and tender green parts only, sliced
1 small yellow onion, coarsely chopped
3 cloves garlic, coarsely chopped
1 ½ lb. broccoli, both crowns and stems, trimmed and coarsely chopped
5 cups chicken or vegetable stock
1 rind (about 2 inches square) from a piece of Parmesan cheese
¾ tsp. kosher salt, or less if your broth is well salted

For the sour cream:
1 cup sour cream (not low-fat or nonfat)
2 scallions, white and pale green parts only, very thinly sliced
¼ cup minced chives
1 tsp. grated lemon zest
2 Tbsp. fresh lemon juice
½ cup finely grated Parmesan cheese
½ tsp. kosher salt
¼ tsp. pressed or minced garlic

in a small stockpot or dutch oven, warm the butter and oil over medium heat. add the leeks and onion, and cook, stirring occasionally, until they have softened and the onion is translucent, about 10 minutes. add the garlic, and cook for one minute. add the broccoli, stock, parmesan rind, and salt, and stir to mix. Bring to a boil, reduce to a simmer, and cook, partially covered, until the broccoli is tender, about 20 minutes.

while the soup cooks, prepare the cream. in a medium bowl, stir together the sour cream, scallions, chives, lemon zest, lemon juice, grated parmesan, salt, and garlic, mixing until fully combined. taste, and adjust as necessary.

to finish the soup, remove the parmesan rind. using a blender and working in small batches – when puréeing hot liquids, never fill the blender more than one-third full – purée until very smooth. (alternatively, purée it in the pot with an immersion blender.) return the soup to the pot, add a few dollops of the cream mixture – i add about 1/3 cup – and stir to incorporate. taste for seasoning, and adjust as necessary. if needed, rewarm the soup gently over low heat.

serve the soup with a spoonful or two of the remaining cream on top.